Power plays

Everybody is questioned by someone at least once in their life. All of us learnt to take it in our stride though not many of us like it. In a workplace, the questioning tone, however mild it might be always leads to some uncomfortable moments. I am reminded of an incident when I had initially started working. There was a huge gap in the required off-site materials requirement and the on-site one in a construction project. Since I had calculated the off-site requirement, I was questioned so many times during the course of the work. Now, I am not saying I am perfect in whatever I do. But, at that time I was just a fresher starting up. There were levels of people above me. But at the time of questioning, I somehow got caught in quagmire. It was not a very pleasant experience, to put it lightly. A little bit of transparency would have helped. I never got to know the end result of the entire process as I quit the job. Many would think this as an escapist tendency. But I view it differently. If I work in a place where a number of people are involved, I am answerable to my superiors. But the incessant questioning as though I have committed a crime will never elicit a response from me. The actual culprit of the whole situation needs to be found other than killing the most available goat nearby.

I was thinking of this phase of my life as I seem to have come to a somewhat similar situation once again. I am the very end of my research work now and I have presented my work at a major conference also. But as responses start to pour in. I am being asked why there is a difference in results between one method and the next. Now, I am prepared to answer these questions, but I somehow feel very annoyed and most of all, I feel I don’t have it in me to answer questions. Criticisms, the constructive ones, I am willing to take. But why is it that, everybody doubts something different? Does something different suggest it is wrong? At one point, I felt, I will accept that what I did is wrong, and then all this would get over. But it doesn’t work this way, I guess. This is not the right attitude, I am told. Unfortunately, I too know that. But somehow, it is like being trapped in the eyepiece of a hunter’s gun. I know the shot is coming, but why not make it less painful. Once, I am in a position of power, maybe I too will become like this. But I sincerely hope, I do not ….